I am Connie F. Cleaver, a registered nurse with over ten years of experience in long-term care. I have been a licensed vocational nurse since 2001. I have spent countless hours treating patients with visible wounds. I have cleaned their cuts, bandaged their burns, and helped them heal from surgeries and illnesses. Their injuries were easy to see. Their pain was obvious. And I knew exactly what to do. But for many years, I had a different kind of wound. This wound was invisible. It did not show up on any medical chart. No doctor could diagnose it. Yet it hurt more than any physical injury I ever treated. That wound was shame. And I hid it from everyone, even while I helped other people heal from their visible wounds.
I spent my days caring for others. I worked long shifts in nursing homes and hospitals. I held the hands of dying patients. I comforted frightened families. I gave medications, changed dressings, and monitored vital signs. On the outside, I looked like a competent, caring professional. On the inside, I felt like a fraud. Why? Because I had three children by three different men. And I believed that one fact disqualified me from respect, from love, and even from God’s grace. I walked into work every day with a smile on my face. I treated my patients with kindness and respect. But I could not treat myself the same way. I judged myself harshly. I replayed my mistakes over and over. I felt like damaged goods pretending to be a whole person. This is the story I tell in my book We All Sin Now and Then. And it is the story of a woman in the Bible who understood shame better than anyone.
In John chapter four, a Samaritan woman went to draw water at noon. She chose the hottest part of the day because she wanted to avoid other women. They judged her. She had five husbands, and the man she lived with was not her husband. The whole town knew her history. So she hid. She went to the well when no one else would be there. I understand that woman completely. I hid too. I went to the grocery store late at night. I skipped school events. I timed my arrivals at work so I would not have to make small talk in the break room. I feared that if people really knew me, they would reject me. But Jesus met that woman at the well. He did not accidentally run into her. He traveled through Samaria on purpose. He sat down at noon on purpose. He knew she would come, and He wanted to be there when she did.
He asked her for a drink. She was shocked. Jewish men did not speak to Samaritan women. But Jesus broke every rule to reach her. Then He told her about living water. He said that anyone who drinks regular water will get thirsty again, but the water He gives becomes a spring inside a person, welling up to eternal life. She wanted that water. But first, Jesus showed her that He knew everything about her past. He mentioned her five husbands and the man she was living with. She must have felt exposed. But instead of condemning her, He offered her grace. That is what God did for me.
As a nurse, I have treated patients with all kinds of physical wounds. I have seen deep cuts that required stitches. I have seen bones that needed to be reset. I have seen infections that spread through the body. In every case, the first step was to clean the wound. You cannot heal an infection by covering it up. You have to expose it to the light. You have to clean out the dirt and the bacteria. Then and only then can the wound begin to heal. My shame was an infected wound. I kept it covered. I pretended it did not exist. I avoided situations where someone might see it. But the wound only got worse. The infection spread to every part of my life.
One day, I broke down in my car after dropping my youngest child off at daycare. I could not pretend anymore. I was so tired. I prayed a raw, desperate prayer. I did not use fancy words. I just told God the truth. I told Him I was ashamed. I told Him I did not know how to fix my life. I told Him I needed help. That was my well moment. That was when I stopped hiding and let Jesus see me completely. In my book We All Sin Now and Then, I write about what happened next. God did not strike me with lightning. He did not give me a lecture about my poor choices. He gave me peace. Not the kind where all my problems disappeared, but the kind where I knew I was not alone anymore. I knew I was forgiven.
The woman at the well left her water jar behind. She ran back to town and told everyone about Jesus. She went from hiding at noon to boldly proclaiming the truth. Her shame did not disappear instantly, but her identity changed. She was no longer the woman with five husbands. She became a witness for the Messiah. Something similar happened to me. I did not stop being a nurse. I did not stop being a mother. But I stopped letting my past define me. I took responsibility for my choices. I committed to doing better. And I started being honest about my story, not because I am proud of my mistakes, but because hiding gave my mistakes power over me.
Connie F. Cleaver, RN, BSN, is not a perfect person. I still sin now and then. I still make mistakes. But I no longer carry the crushing weight of shame. I have tasted the living water that Jesus offered the woman at the well. And I can tell you with certainty that it satisfies in a way that nothing else can. As a nurse, I have seen patients who refused treatment because they were too ashamed to admit they were sick. They suffered needlessly. They let pride and fear keep them from the very thing that could heal them. Do not make that same mistake with your soul.
Choosing Grace Over Shame
You may have been carrying a private shame for a long time, treating other people’s pain while quietly setting aside your own. Connie F. Cleaver’s book We All Sin Now and Then shares more of her story and how grace changed the way she sees her past. Written by a registered nurse and single mother who has lived through this journey firsthand, the book offers encouragement to anyone who has ever felt disqualified by their own history.
