There’s no user manual for being a human, and much of somebody’s development relies on their environment and parental influence. With each generation, both healthy and toxic habits pass down, morph, and culminate in one’s reality. Add in the massive shifts in technological capabilities and societal norms, and the average human is often ill-equipped to deal with them.

Developing strong emotion regulation skills and building resilience is essential for creating healthy relationships and can support total well-being. Learn how to develop these skills and support those you love on their self-regulation journey.

Be Aware of Your Emotions

The recommendation of being aware of your emotions may seem obvious, but deferring one’s genuine emotions is ingrained in society. Boys are typically told to “toughen up and stop crying,” while girls are told to “be sweet and agreeable.” During these formative years, mental muscles that are tough to retrain in adulthood are built. The result can be men who bury their feelings for so long that they explode into violence or mental breakdown. Women might suppress their true selves, cheating themselves of a fulfilling life, later giving up, and developing depression.

These fates don’t have to be commonplace, and old habits can be broken. Make a conscious effort to heighten your awareness of your feelings and note them as they arise. Resist the urge to examine them; instead, just notice and document each one. Set a timer on the hour to help build this habit and note the time, setting, and situation. 

After a week or so, review your emotion log to see if you can identify patterns. Sometimes, your emotions might spike at work or with a certain person. Other times, you may notice a consistent pattern of depression that you’d misidentified as something else. If you suspect that this practice has exposed a long-suppressed mental health challenge, don’t dismiss it. Look into therapy or mental health rehab to get the help you deserve as you care for your mental well-being. 

Get Curious About What’s Driving Your Response

Now that you’ve identified the emotions, it’s time to examine what’s beneath the surface. Set aside all judgment regarding whether your emotional response is “right” or not; what’s important here is acknowledging its existence. Ask yourself what else was going on for you, starting self-examination with “I wonder” prompts to get ideas flowing. Visualize negative self-talk as bubbles floating away, focusing on being gentle with yourself as you look inward.

Next, reframe responses to stressors in a way that would improve the experience next time. If you notice that you’re getting frustrated with your children during the morning routine, consider your starting point. When mornings are stressful, think about what took place beforehand. If you or the kids had a poor night’s sleep, there’s no wonder the morning goes downhill. 

Now that you’ve examined your response and the external factors, practice perspective-taking. A classic “put yourself in the other’s shoes” exercise allows you to empathize with others’ experiences. Your kids might be just as tired or genuinely need your help. Other times, they may be in a swarm of emotions, as developing brains are in a flurry of activity. Once you identify what others need, you can determine how to care for your needs while honoring theirs.

Find Control in Your Body

It’s hard to know how to chill out in moments of stress. Start building your response muscles outside of the stress zone by practicing ways to control your body. The first thing to control is your breath, as it is the baseline of how your body is equipped to respond to anything. Exercise fanatics know this well—if your breathing pattern is off, you’re out of control of your body.

Practice deep breathing shortly after waking to start your day with a clear mind and stable breath. Standing or lying on the floor, breathe in through your nose, expanding the lungs from top to bottom through the diaphragm. Take four seconds to breathe in, hold it for seven, and finally exhale for eight seconds. Repeat this ten times, keeping to the pattern to get the most significant benefit. It will be challenging, but this exercise builds the mental and physical muscles necessary to regulate your responses.

Next, practice progressive muscle relaxation, a technique used in high-stress moments to give negative energy a safe place to go. Start by tensing one muscle group at a time, beginning with your feet. Scrunch your toes and hold the tension for five seconds before moving up the legs. Continue tensing, releasing, and moving up the body to the core, arms, and finally, the head. This exercise allows your body to expel the tension, clearing your mind for better emotional responses and actions. 

Improve Your Mental Well-being through Self-Regulation

When the world around you is out of control, your mind can offer you peace. Build trust in yourself and your ability to know the totality of who you are, no matter what’s outside. Get to know yourself, be curious about your emotions, and learn to translate them productively. You’re practicing self-compassion. When your emotions are regulated, you can show up as your best self for others while preserving your peace.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Readers should consult a qualified healthcare professional before making any health-related decisions. The contents of this article should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 

Published by: Khy Talara