On Compassion
“There is nothing wrong with being shy. It is a natural emotion that everyone can experience. But if shyness is negatively impacting your life, then it is time to take action and grow your confidence,” explains Lynne Henderson, licensed clinical psychologist and author of The Shyness Workbook.
“Nearly all of us have experienced moments of shyness, social awkwardness, uncertainty and anxiety. Perhaps it was when meeting new people, going on a first date, having a job interview, speaking to people in authority, or talking in small groups of people. Physical sensations may accompany the feelings of anxiety such as a dry mouth, butterflies in the stomach, a voice that sounded shaky and trembling or perhaps went gravelly and croaky with repeated throat clearing.”
What is Shyness?
“Shyness has evolved as an emotion over thousands of years and can be helpful in some circumstances. However, it can become a problem when it interferes with life goals, develops into social anxiety disorder or leads to ‘learned pessimism’, mild depression and even ‘learned helplessness’. In this way, shyness and shame often hold us back from realizing our potential and from engaging with others wholeheartedly.”
There are some positives associated with shyness. Those who are shy are not particularly motivated to be forceful with others. They don’t need to control others either, and they tend to be more concerned with connecting people together, getting along with them and doing a good job.
People with this temperament may be just as well adjusted as extraverts, and usually have a “pause to check” approach in social situations. They are sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others. They are cautious, thoughtful, conscientious, agreeable, and have a tendency towards collaborative behavior.
Shyness becomes a problem only when bad experiences and events in your life, deprivation or frequent rejection make normal shyness and sensitivity a hardship.
It’s not our fault that we feel socially anxious. The brain states that produce these feelings have evolved over time to protect us. We are all doing the best we can to live the lives we want to live.
The good news is that shy people can learn to cope with their feelings and debunk anxious thoughts. They can develop self-compassion, and can practice new, confident behaviors. This means learning to foster the alternative brain state of soothing and calmness, and to learn to apply our instincts of kindness and care to ourselves as well as others.
The Compassionate Mind Approach
The Compassionate Mind Approach (developed by Paul Gilbert), “brings together an understanding of how our mind can cause us difficulties but also provides us with a powerful solution in the shape of mindfulness and compassion. It teaches ways to stimulate the part of the brain connected with kindness, warmth, compassion and safeness, and to calm the part that makes us feel anxious, angry, sad or depressed.”
Lynne Henderson is a licensed clinical psychologist with over forty years of experience. She founded the Social Fitness Center, and is founder and Co-Director, with Philip Zimbardo, of the Shyness Institute. She was a visiting scholar in the Psychology Department at Stanford University for thirteen years, a lecturer for five years, and a faculty member in Continuing Studies. Dr Henderson also served as a Consulting Associate Professor in Counseling Psychology for ten years. She directed the Shyness Clinic in Palo Alto for twenty-five years and conducted research and shyness groups at the Stanford Counseling Center. Her research interests include translating the results of social psychology and personality theory into clinical work, specifically, the negative stereotyping of shyness, the influence of personality variables and cultural influences on interpersonal perception and motivation, the leadership styles of shy leaders, and compassionate social fitness. She is the author of The Shyness Workbook: Take Control of Social Anxiety Using Your Compassionate Mind. For more information, visit http://www.shyness.com/
