Detachment is basically the process of letting go. It could be letting go of unhelpful relationships, bad habits, or negative emotions. It is easy to mistake detachment for emotional detachment–where one becomes distant from one’s emotions or those of others. The type of detachment we are exploring is about getting closer to oneself and acknowledging and removing the existential clutter clogging up our lives. 

The problem for so many of us is that some things we hold on to need to serve us better. Instead, they cause anxiety and suffering. To notice this, we have to observe our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors from an outsider’s perspective, separating the self only for long enough to see what is holding us back and where we should detach. 

Understanding Attachment 

Before we can understand how to positively and effectively detach, it is essential to understand how attachments have developed over time. Attachment theories focus on relationships and bonds between people (not just partners), specifically how we build and maintain these bonds. Like so much else, your attachment patterns probably developed in childhood and persist into adulthood, shaping how you interact with others. Four primary attachment styles across theories are commonly explored in undergraduate psychology degrees and even courses like an MA in Counseling Psychology online cover.

• Secure Attachment 

You are empathetic, appreciate your self-worth, and find comfort in emotionally intimate relationships where both partners seek support and express their feelings openly. You do not get overly anxious when temporarily separated from those you are attached to. 

• Anxious Attachment 

Also known as an ambivalent attachment, you may feel self-aware about your constant need for love and attention. You may find it hard to trust others even though you want to. A significant proportion of your self-worth may rely on how others treat you. 

• Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment 

These people tend to avoid intimate or slice relationships and friendships altogether, preferring their own company and content to care for themselves. You may shut them down or move away if people get too close.

• Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment 

Generally emerging out of fear or childhood experiences of poor attachment. These people generally had few role models or real-world examples of positive attachment and had to develop them on their own or through relationships with others. 

Recognizing when to Detach 

So, we understand the different forms of attachment, some of which may resonate well with you, or perhaps you have family and friends who have a very specific type of attachment. While these styles of attachment may feel very specific to our relationships with others, they apply to our own emotions as well. Exactly how you developed what types of attachment, and when, will have had an impact on how you process complex emotions. 

Do you recognize yourself purposefully becoming attached to someone too fast before you know them? Have you ever demanded more love and attention than another person is ready to give? These are all important questions to ask but at the end of the day. Only you know when it is time to detach. 

There are, however, some tell-tale signs to look for when it comes to deciding when to separate yourself from a person or situation: 

• Anxiety 

It’s essentially excessive worry that causes stress. It occurs when the brain perceives a threat and fires the fight or flight response. When you are around someone and feel constantly unsettled, on edge, or uncomfortable, ask yourself if this is how you normally feel around friends, family, or others that you feel comfortable with. 

• Tired 

If you feel emotionally or mentally drained after spending time with someone, it might be a sign that you need to reassess your relationship with them. This could be a result of constant negativity, criticism, or demands from the other person that you perceive as normal.

• Boundary Pushing 

You may have tried many times to set healthy and manageable boundaries yet feel that the other person is not respecting them or constantly pushing your boundaries. The bottom line is that healthy relationships involve mutual respect and consideration for each other’s needs. This means listening, adapting, and respecting one another. 

Practice makes Perfect 

It’s an unfortunate fact of life that we learn from mistakes; we’ve all been through relationships or at least friendships that don’t work out. The trick, once you know it’s time to let go, is doing so in a way that does not damage you. Just as we learn from our mistakes in various skills and improve with practice, we can also learn from our past relationships or friendships. Each experience, whether positive or negative, provides us with valuable lessons that can help us grow and improve our future interactions.

When we realize that a relationship or friendship is not working out, it’s important to practice detachment. This doesn’t mean avoiding the issue but rather acknowledging the situation, understanding our feelings, and then letting go. This process can be difficult and may involve making mistakes along the way. However, with practice, we can become better at detaching ourselves from situations that are not beneficial to our well-being and mental health. 

Learning for Life

After a particular period of too much detachment, it can be hard to reconnect. We all get scared, and this is when emotional detachment can come into play. One of the solutions is talk therapy. A good therapist can make us see what we can not by ourselves. Therapy plays a crucial role in managing emotional detachment. It helps people understand the root cause of their detachment, which could be a symptom of conditions like depression or PTSD. 

Therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic psychotherapy can help transform unhelpful thoughts and behaviors into healthier strategies. In cases where emotional detachment affects relationships, couple or family therapies can be beneficial. Alongside professional treatment, coping strategies like meditation, journaling, seeking support, and expressing emotions through art can be helpful. Recognizing emotional detachment as a coping mechanism rather than a punitive tactic can create compassion and open communication in future relationships. 

Published by: Nelly Chavez